fifteen minutes [twenty at the most]

it was fifteen minutes [twenty at the most]

chris had his guitar out and abby made a request...a worship song was on her heart. start up the intro and before you know it all of us have been drawn to the room like beggars to a feast. we sing out...hungry for the One who inhabits our praise. little voices at the top of their lungs...music to my soul. my heart is saturated.overflowing with the fullness of the moment. time is suspended...tears in my eyes.

it was fifteen minutes [twenty at the most]

yet sweeter than most twenty-four hour segments of my life. 

this is where i feel the need for a disclaimer: the ballinger household does not spend all its days floating around speaking to each other in psalms.hymns.and spiritual songs. [all your notions of our amazingness...shattered]. don't get me wrong...we have our moments. but frankly.our reality is spent in a chorus of whining with the occasional refrain of 'can we just change our attitudes? stop bickering and speak a little more kindly please!!' [yes...spoken itself too harshly...point taken].

the choreography is a flurry of hats.scarves.boots [and yet another layer] as we rush out the door. dramatic poses of exacerbation while barreling through word problems or handwriting. the shuffling of pots and pans for hours in the kitchen.everything from scratch [repeat to the chorus of whining lamenting the lumps in the homemade tomato sauce]. the unfurling of a mile.long.to do.list [to which tasks are added at a much faster rate than they are being checked off]. and everything climaxes into a grande finale balancing act of life.marriage.kids.work.ministry.and don't forget spiritual growth and warfare.

did i mention we perform it all in another language and culture?

phew!! no wonder our souls are weary...and desperate to sit together [just for awhile] at Jesus' feet.

it's the age-old struggle. common to all people.all ages.all centuries.all continents. the struggle between doing and being, serving and resting, martha vs mary when Jesus comes for a visit.  

i'm admitting that those few minutes spent together in praise brought an awareness that i spend far too much time and effort performing the musical of our lives.far too little enjoying the tune.

it was fifteen minutes [twenty at the most]

but add them together...time and again...and they become a nice theme for our life-song...don't you think?

fleeting breaths and passing shadows...

O LORD, what are human beings that you should notice them, mere mortals that you should think about them?
For they are like a breath of air, their days are like a passing shadow.

Psalm 144:3-4

my life is lost in self...

moments [both beautiful and devastating] blend together...become this life. so temporary and yet so constant as to seem eternal. it surrounds me...looming and ominous...i'm consumed in living it...

i join with the rest of us in 'who-ville' [that tiniest of specks on this tiniest of flowers we call earth] going about our day.thinking ourselves large. forgetting how insignificant we are in comparison...

how limited our thoughts.understanding.

we are frail.volatile.flawed beings whose years pass in a breath [like the shadow as the cloud passes over] and they are gone.

truly the enormity and infinite nature of the One who placed us here could dwarf us into the inconsequential...

yes. all could seem meaningless...were it not for one truth...

He.cares.

God Almighty does take notice...He desires to dwell with us [dwell in us] here. He inserts His infinite into our limits...

we want our few days fleshed out in bodies of dust to mean something...become anything more than what they are. we join our voices.shouting 'we are here! we are here! we are here!'.

..and He hears. He hears...and turns His face...

these momentary breaths and tiny movements, they matter to Him. we let go of trying.place them [our insignificant offerings] into His hands. like a droplet into a pool of water the ripples begin to reach out.extending far beyond what we see.impacting far more than we could possibly know.and so existing long after they are gone.

we close our eyes for perspective.we shut our ears and listen with our souls.

the truth. He is God. He is involved. one day we will know the vastness of what He has created...

from fleeting breaths and passing shadows.

like a weaned child...

Psalm 131

Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I do not get involved with things too great or too difficult for me. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself like a little weaned child with its mother; I am like a little child. 
Israel, put your hope in the Lord, both now and forever. 

i've been thinking on this psalm the last few days...

not because i relate...but because i want to.

check my soul-state during most moments.most days...

calmed and quieted it is not.

...anxious?...overwhelmed?...fearful?

more likely.

so picturesque...the carefree child.calm in the arms of a loving mother. her presence is known.her care understood. what could possible weigh on such a mind?...there is only rest.

oh that we could be...would be...that little child with our Father. aware He is present.trusting in His proven character.resting in His unconditional love.confident in the provision of His capable hands.

time after time we have seen His faithfulness. we have no doubt He can be trusted. there is no need to be weighed down with thoughts of things we can't fully understand or handle.

we are calmed.quieted.

contrast that image with one of a flailing newborn.so unfamiliar with its environment.even with its own body.grasping.wailing.reaching for a mother's breast. desperate for pleas to be heard and needs to be met...still learning to trust the one in whose care it remains...still testing the faithfulness of her response. 

even so...we too can become frantic with concern over things beyond our ability.control.understanding. things too great and difficult...a weight on our soul.choking out peace...there is no rest.

our heart is left flailing like the newborn's limbs.

but eventually...just as the infant learns to rest in the care of its mother...becomes a trusting child at her feet...we too remember to put our hope in Him.in Him alone.

again.and again.we must calm.quiet our chaotic soul...think only of the One with whom we dwell.listen only to His voice.trust only His understanding.rest only in His plan and sufficiency.

carefree children then.we walk the road...one.step.at a time...souls lighter...His presence carrying away each weighty.worrisome thought like a breeze..

calmed.quieted.contented children in the care of the Father...

no matter what we encounter along the way.no matter how little of it we really understand.

it's not fair!...

not long ago i was talking consequences with my eight-year-old for her attitude. with tear-filled eyes she looked at me in anger and said, 'it's not fair!'

i had to laugh at the irony of her statement (though i refrained from doing so audibly...100 parenting points...scored)...

her situation was the very essence of fairness...the law of sowing and reaping at its finest. she was receiving the fruit of her actions, and what she really meant was, 'i'm not happy!'

somewhere in her little mind the two have become synonymous...happiness and fairness. when she's not happy...life is completely unfair...and i am obviously a horribly, oppressively, unforgivably mean person who cares nothing for her at all! hmphh!

i took a step back, and in those angry tears i saw a reflection...because somewhere along the way...well...maybe i've equated the two as well.

i don't want to!

it's too hard!

but GooOOoOOOddd!

and with a little stomp of the foot (just for effect) i huff: 

it's.not.fair!....

hmphh!

yes...as i walk through the department store of life with Jesus...sometimes i am the tantrum-throwing toddler (spiritually speaking...of course) and He the ever-patient parent...waiting for me to get a grip...and think about things rationally for crying out loud!

...the overflow of my childish emotions subsides and i get a little perspective...

 

not fair? seriously? let's talk about not fair...

let's talk about grace, redeeming a soul...lost of its own wandering...

                ...perfection becoming my mess...

let's talk about love, pursuing a heart that could never fully reciprocate...

                ....tiny gifts...never measuring up to all He is...

                     ...and never having to...

let's talk about mercies, new with .every.sunrise...

                ...no matter how countless the nights spent questioning...

let's talk about thoughts innumerable toward one so quick to distraction...

               ...willing heart...weak flesh...

let's talk about records of wrongs...destroyed...gone forever...

               ...shredded and thrown to the wind...

                   ...a watergate scandal of eternal proportions!

i was so right! nothing about this life i live is fair...in Christ i've exchanged all i deserve for more than i could possibly think or imagine. 

so when i'm tempted to clench my fists and grumble of unhappiness...(and there is plenty of it in this broken place we journey)...may i instead get over myself and never stop praising God for...

or leading others to...

this life of utter unfairness.

there is a purpose....there is a plan.

i watch her...

so much promise...risking it all because she's afraid she'll never find someone with enough love in their heart for both her and Jesus...

counsel falls on deaf ears and faithfulness to God and His Word fades with each compromise...

i am burdened and i remember...

there is a purpose...there is a plan.

i watch them...

purpose overshadowed by disconnect and conflicting passions...the target of an enemy who hates the family God has established...

all that Jesus desires to do through them...sacrificed on altars built to the temporary...

i wish her heart were open and do my best to reach out...

there is a purpose...there is a plan.

i watch him...

memories flood my mind of how he has spit and cursed...trying to convince us he doesn't need the love and acceptance we're offering...

every day the offer stands...and every day he throws it away...choosing instead to keep his grip on the anger and resentment choking his soul...

we keep the offer on the table and trust...

there is a purpose...there is a plan.

i watch her...

lips curved in a smile...her spirit sweet despite the pain of circumstance.  her eyes, much older than her eleven years, beg for a hug.

i wrap my arms around her and try not to imagine the events she has endured...the reality she faces every day...

i wonder about her future...and her present...i grab hold as i repeat to myself...

there is a purpose...there is a plan. 

i watch them...

a smile on my face as the love they've found in Jesus spills over onto the little children surrounding them...

the same way the baptismal waters of a bathtub did three months ago when they publicly professed their faith...

yes...there is a purpose...there is a plan...

sometimes it seems to allude me...so far removed from my understanding or abilities...

and sometimes it screams out in the enormity of what God is doing all around me...

but...realized or not...it is there...

and i can breathe...resting...trusting the heart of the One who put it into motion...

cross-cultural schizophrenia

re-entry...

transition...

the process i go through no matter which 'home' i'm heading to or from...

being cross-cultural is a little like being schizophrenic...

let me explain.

i land in america...i am overcome with things like...

color, manicured lawns, cleanliness, comfort, ease, abundance, busyness, media, entertainment, opportunity...

it's almost too much...my senses can't handle it all...

like spending too much time at the mall perfume counter...all the beautiful scents swarm together into one slightly nauseating cloud of overwhelming smell...

suddenly life in mongolia seems simple...meaningful...desirable...

oh, not in the everyday survival of it all...but in the way it makes my heart sensitive to the deeper things of life...eternity...God. i face them head-on...every day...i have no choice...

 

and also in the way it makes me giddy over the little things...like cheddar cheese and hot showers.

a person doesn't (or can't) fully appreciate all they have...until they don't have it.

last week i re-entered our mongolian home...

land at the airport...sit in traffic for three hours ...stare at the monochrome, cement landscape...come home to jackhammers at our doorstep and a freezing apartment void of heat and lacking the hot water needed to wash off my 36 hour trip across the pacific...

geez!...

waking up to reality can be a real kick in the pants!

and suddenly life in america seems better...easier...desirable...

with a nostalgic smile on my face i think...'wasn't it glorious standing at the counter and taking in all the wonderful smells?'

and voices in my head say 'make up your mind crazy lady!'

the diagnosis?...cross-cultural schizophrenia....

...i am...a crazy woman.

but really i'm not...i'm just learning (and learning and learning) what it means to be content...in only Jesus...wherever whenever whatever...

it's actually something i believe we all need to be learning...it's just that somehow i seem to have gotten myself enrolled in the accelerated course...

(fyi...i'm struggling to keep up with the class load!)

paul said he learned to be content both in plenty and in need...and i say 'kudos brother!' because i'm not sure i have...

in plenty...

what we have, and the opportunity to have even more, take over our passions... 

in need...

what we could have does the same.

so my challenge today...to you and to myself...

is to pursue contentment...

in nothing, i mean it, nothing outside of Jesus...

to surrender...

not qualifying it with what we might gain...

to worship...

with every.thing every.day...

trusting Him with the results...

and for no other reason than...

He's worthy.

basking in the beauty of weakness...

weakness...

target it...overcome it...or mask it...

but never embrace it...

because it is synonymous with

...inability...failure...deficiency...                                        

yet...when we tear away the facade...isn't it the place we all dwell most in our lives?

i read about paul today...and his weakness (2 corinthians 12:8-10)...

he didn't tell me what it was...just that it was ongoing...a constant source of torment and struggle...and something he begged God to take away on more than one occasion...

i can't speak for you...but me? i know a thing or two about ongoing struggle...

and my lips have definitely formed at least a hundred prayers like paul's...

'please God...

won't you just make it all go away?'

and God's response?...

'actually....no. 
you don't need fixing...you need grace...

and in me there is more than enough... 

because i hate to tell you, but i do my best work with weakness...' 

wait...what was that?...He won't fix me?...He's not most glorified in my perfection?

no...


because when we feel God's embrace...

knowing He understands the depth of our brokenness...

and when we experience His grace...

transforming us as it heals that brokenness...

and when we watch His power...

working through us despite that brokenness....

we are awed...

                  we stand up...

                             a living testament to how amazing He is...

an encouragement to fellow weaklings...

                  we hurl that facade as far as we can and shout...  

'I AM WEAK!! HE IS STRONG!!'         

 

we understand, with paul, this state of weakness...

...this place of colliding with the grace and sufficiency of God...
...it is beautiful....
                  breathtaking....

and we revel in it.

 

we want nothing more than to know our own limitation...

        ...revealing His ability!

...and He is glorified...

we are a people saved by grace...yes...

but how wonderful to be a people sustained by it as well.

the oddball...

it's true...i'm a little....different...

(literary pause for the snide remarks of my dearest friends)

but really...

is there anything in life that makes a girl feel more out of place than...say...

moving to mongolia?

this.....

is how i feel most days...

after five years...people still stop in their tracks to gawk at me...and maybe snap a photo or two as i walk down the street.

and in my (far)less-than-perfect mongolian...i still say things like 'if your son has wool draining from his eyes...you should get some antibiotic ointment.'

...well...i guess so...

and, yes, i still see the value of refrigerating the yogurt over the canned soup in my local grocer's aisle...


*sigh* the list could go on and on...

as long as i live here...i am and always will be...different.

and let's not even talk about what a freak i am when i head back to the states, right?

some spend their lives striving for uniqueness...but me?...most days i just want to blend in. to get swallowed up in the sea of conformity and be treated just like everyone else...

the word 'foreigner' in mongolian has the same root as the word 'outside'...i'm an outsider...and the term is woven into every fiber of my existence...


at the store...

'hey look...an outsider just walked in!'

in a taxi...

'hey! i just picked up an outsider'...

(translation...i'm about to make at least 3x my usual fare)

on the playground...

'look, my child, that's not a mongolian is it?...

no that's an outsider'

but as tiring as it can be to hear this every day, everywhere i go...it can serve as a beautiful reminder ~if i let it~...

no matter where i am...as a Jesus follower...i'm called to be an outsider.

not in a 'check-out-that-weirdo' kind of way...

but in a 'that chick gets something i don't...and i need to find out what it is' kind of way...

God's word tells us to transcend...

to fix our minds on the eternal above the temporal.

to make our lives about so much more than the 

meaninglessness that ensnares so many around us...

but when my life happens in a place of comfort...where the motivations and striving of those around me are so familiar...and my role in them so clearly defined...

i hardly notice i'm being sucked in...

i forget...i'm actually still an outsider.

thankfully in mongolia...where no matter how long or hard i try...i'll always stick out like a hobo at the opera...

it's a little easier to remember...

that my culture isn't really found in any country on this planet...

that my identity is actually intertwined with Jesus...

to the point of being indistinguishable...

that my world-view is formed...

no...transformed...

by the truth on the tissue-thin pages of a Book

...breathed by God Himself...

you and i?...we're outsiders...

by His grace so beautifully not of this world...

by His love so contently uncomfortable in it...

so let it grow...

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy.  For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

james chapter 1...

i was reading through this scripture the other day...

it's familiar...

it's a place we go when the going gets tough.

trouble...

there's no way around it.

it comes in various shapes and sizes...

and as humans we like to rank them...

cancer...anxiety...depression...huge

boiling hot coffee spilled on lap...miniscule

but the truth is...whatever the trial...when it's ours...it's gargantuan...and our first reaction is pretty much...

arghhh! i hate this.... 

but God tells me...these trials of various sorts...they are an opportunity for joy!

an opportunity i can take...or leave...

of course it's not easy...that's not the nature of the beast. troubles challenge us...they stretch our faith to the max...we cringe...

this is it!...the time when it finally snaps back and whacks me in the face!....

but in the end, our endurance has grown...our perseverance...the 'keep on' to 'keep keeping on'...is ever-so-slighty stronger than before.

ultimately...in that far-off finally...the process makes us strong, ready for anything, lacking nothing...

is there anything we desire more...than to lack nothing?

to be strong as we journey in this messy world with Jesus?

to have faith bigger than our fear...

an understanding of God that's rooted more deeply than our seeds of doubt?

and so we find the real challenge...in this one phrase... 

so let it grow...

the trials...they're coming...like it or not...

but growth...this joy found within them...it only comes when i let it...

when i stop thrashing against the waves...

when i open my arms, reach out for Jesus, and ride out the storm...

sometimes it's torrential...and i'm amazed to still be standing when it passes...

sometimes only a slight misting...and i wonder why i felt its shadow so ominous in the first place...

but always...always...i walk away...

i walk on...

and with more faith in my God...

and that...is the joy... 

so...wherever i find myself...whatever you're facing...

we have our mantra:

...so let it grow...

i failed first grade...

friday abby had her 'letter day'...she and her classmates celebrated the fact they can now read and write all their mongolian letters...

they recited poems, sang songs, and received gifts. abby was awarded the 'smart foreign student' medal. look at the picture and her lone white face will tell you the competition wasn't too stiff, but the truth is, she's amazing for all she does!

a couple weeks ago, as part of the month-long celebrations, parents were invited to take their kids' place for a day. so i confidently walked in, crammed my body into the miniature desk, and sat, knees to my chest, ready to take on first grade!

i've lived here for almost five years...i've got this...

...right?

just like abby, i took down dictations from the teacher...

unlike abby...things seemed mucky... 

what did she say?...the acoustics in this room are terrible...

and i wrote words that don't even exist in the language...which was a little embarrassing when we traded papers for 'peer grading'.

just like abby, i solved word problems...

unlike abby...i had to read them 4...5...ten times to make sure i understood what they were asking!

just like abby i spent the whole day looking at everyone around me to see what i'm supposed to be doing...

unlike abby...i haven't mastered the art of interpreting the environmental cues of a first grade classroom!

basically...

i failed first grade...

i'll add it to the ever growing list of experiences that humiliate...errr...humble me each and every day of my missionary life.

but i'll also add it to the list of reasons i am unspeakably proud of my kids...because they not only survive...but thrive in their environment every day...

abby and cj...

you rock!

blind spot...

when the children of israel began their journey into the wilderness...it took three days for the complaining to begin (exodus 15:22-24)...

three...

days...

72 hours for the experience of watching death pass by the bloodstained doors to fade...

for the towering walls of water encasing freedom's path to be forgotten...

for the difficulty of their circumstances to blur the One who dwelt with them in the cloud by day and fire by night....

reality had closed in on them...leaving their hearts with a massive blind spot...they couldn't see God all around them...they couldn't remember that He is I AM...

and what about me? if i'm honest with myself...i have to wish my awareness of Him had that kind of longevity!

because it's easy to get so consumed with the immensity of the call...that i completely forget to stand in awe of the Caller...

because in the desert i forget the tsunami-sized proportions of everything He is...

because i'm overtaken by the harshness of my reality and it's all i can see...

a massive blind-spot...my tunnel vision...occluding Him from view.

and that's when i have to step away from it all...

into His presence...

i've been given the privilege of coming here freely...boldy...by the blood of Christ.

it's here i can relinquish the burdens of the journey and be still, at peace, because of who He is and what He will accomplish.

it's here i can worship Him...and drink in His truth.

it's here i'm filled with enough get up and keep walking...

so i'm purposing to remember

the I AM behind everything i'm doing...

before He's lost in the flurry of motion....

the I AM present in everything i'm facing...

before i'm buckling under the weight of it...

and i'm journeying on...