the morning brought happy songs and garbled speeches spoken too closely to microphones. kids in crisp uniforms carried flowers and bright new backpacks as they walked down the street.
the first day of school! always such a celebration in mongolia...we love being part of it...
but this year these sights and sounds served as a sobering reminder of change.
this year we won't be part of the festivities...
this year we are planning to uproot and head north to serve in the little village of khatgal for a few months.
we couldn't be more sure it's what the Lord has for us right now...or more unsure of why. [we've learned those details come later...if ever...]
our lives are characterized by letting go...i could never have fully understood how much so when 'send me. i'll go' first escaped my lips.
one might think a surrender like that...packing up and moving to mongolia...is it...you're covered...for like...life. one might have to think again...
it was only the beginning...and [looking back]...the easy part.
no. a surrender like that is the first [naive little] step into a lifetime of opening clenched fists and releasing their death grip on familiarity...clarity...
a lifetime of roots that can never dig too deep [and soon learn not to]...because the upheaval of circumstances [not to mention ideas and expectations] is a regular occurrence.
am i wired for things like connection.belonging.community.home? absolutely!
these roots within me want to [are created to] dig in.dig down.grow wide and deep and strong. they want to connect.to bond.to stay...and it seems as though i'm denied the chance. but the beauty is this: these roots [when they find no solid ground around them] are forced to grow upward. they discover that in an ever-changing landscape they can be firmly planted in only one.constant.unchanging soil...
...God...
no matter what transitions i face [within or without]...His character.promises.Word...remain. i've seen it.proved it.lived it...time and time again...
and there's no end in sight.
honestly i wouldn't want it any other way [well...maybe some days...but you know...bigger picture and all that]. this journey i'm on forces me to find hope.strength.courage.clarity.comfort...my solid ground...only in Him...
there is.nothing.else.
and i'm learning [again...and again]
He's really all there ever was...
'...blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach
deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried
by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right
on producing delicious fruit.'
Jeremiah 17:7-8
last sunday we're driving to church...and we encounter this enormous cloud of smoke billowing into the blue sky...
we're all trying to guess what building is on fire when cj, in all seriousness, gasps from the backseat:
"maybe it's the missile from North Korea!!"
to which his father and i responded with uproarious laughter...pausing only long enough to let the thought cross our minds [maybe missile attacks shouldn't be a laughing matter in our household]...and then we all laughed again. i mean...seriously...how preciously naive is that little comment? [we should probably make note of this for future counseling sessions]
but that isn't the greatest part of this story...
we neared the source and [while stopped at a light] watched firefighters battle the blaze. it was a precarious situation to say the least.
and before i know it...abby's sweet voice says "i hope no one got hurt. oh! dear God, please help those people to be safe!"
and as we continue down the road, cj's tender heart prompts him to suggest that we pray for the firefighters, and everyone involved.
and my mommy-heart swelled with joy...and [let's just say it] a little relief...
apparently...between all the not-so-great parenting moments and sloppy attempts at this enormous task of molding little humans...amidst those many moments when the depravity of the human heart is so.clearly.demonstrated by my little 'angels'....Jesus stepped in...and made something click...
to which i say.....PHEeeeeeeWWWW!!!
sometimes i just need a little proof it's all working, you know?
but it is. praise Jesus. it is.
all those seeds planted...[you know, the ones not so much gently placed into the soil as dumped there when i trip over my own feet, face plant in the dirt and think 'how am i supposed to be doing this again?!']...those seeds...they're taking root...somewhere...and they will sprout when the time is right.
because...well...that's just what Jesus does...he cultivates.brings life.in the harshest of conditions...
and that's just what God promises...a harvest...because He is the increase-giver...and His seed is good...
and we're not just talking parenting here...
we're talking every.single bigger-than-ourselves thing we attempt as we gather our crude tools.in this messy garden.and do our best to look like we have a clue.working for a harvest of the unseen.
the work is hard.it sprawls endless before us and we tire easily. we're dirty and smelly and fighting against blisters and calluses, both of hands and heart. it's not fleshing out like we thought it would. are those storm clouds forming overhead? we can't see what's happening underneath the surface...if only we could dig up that seed.get just a glimpse of something changing...growing...taking root. but the process...the increase...that's not ours to look after...
not to mention that [i believe] the work is just as much about the fruit in us.as the fruit around us...but that's another blog post...
we're asked to be aware and available...and that's all we can be...other than unspeakably grateful that the seed we throw is fertile...the One in charge all-knowing.all-powerful.all-good.
so let's [all of us] join in the sowing of something eternal.something beyond ourselves in the hearts placed around us. and let's [all of us] keep each other working.even when the task seems heavy and fruitless.
let's find strength in the One with endless reserves...let's believe that for all our shoddy [albeit sincere] workmanship...God's got it taken care of...and let's cling to promises He can't leave unfulfilled...
It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
Isaiah 55:11
So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up.
Galatians 6:9
One who watches the wind will not sow, and the one who looks at the clouds will not reap. Just as you don't know the path of the wind, or how bones [develop] in the womb of a pregnant woman, so you don't know the work of God who makes everything. In the morning sow your seed, and at evening do not let your hand rest, because you don't know which will succeed, whether one or the other, or if both of them will be equally good.
Ecclesiastes 11 :4-6
i sometimes think living through winter in mongolia is like one of those discovery channel survival shows...
[cue dramatic announcer voice]
'one 30-something american missionary...grueling months-on-end in one of the planet's coldest capitals. with only her faith and calling to keep her going...can.she.survive?!
survivor [wo]man...premiers october/november...ish.'
physical challenges would include things like:
'tour de grocery shopping' : sub-zero temperatures...a minimum of three stores [and one market]...will she locate and purchase at least 60% of the items on her list?
'course mapping through coal-smog' : frozen eyelashes and unending layers inhibiting mobility...visibility reduced to a shocking five-feet...icy death traps in place...can she navigate the city with all her limbs still intact?
'cabin-fever resistance training' : watch as we test the limits of a mother's sanity by locking her in a small apartment...with two children...and a cat...for longer than any human should have to endure. can she keep the creativity flowing? or will her children wind up spending far too many hours in front of the tv? tune in to find out.
'linguistic circumnavigation' : nearly six years immersed in the language...could.this.be the year she doesn't confuse the word for paper with the word for snow?
the producers throw curves like extreme lack of daylight and a sun that doesn't come up enough to crest the buildings, shamans who beat drums [seemingly] endlessly from the apartment upstairs, asthma.colds.flus and unidentifiable stomach bugs, the one-step forward 18,345 steps backward nature of ministry on our field, aaand of course the occasional rude comment or pick-pocket attempt from passers-by...all in an effort to send me over the edge...
the finale [airing april/may...ish] shows a [more than] slightly tattered me. face dirty.cheeks chapped. smiling weakly and dragging myself across the finish-line of spring. giving that final interview between gulps from my water bottle [or more appropriately...ginormous mug of hot tea].
ok...so maybe i'm being slightly dramatic...
but not really...
yes...i realize i live in mongolia. we were intentional on our first visit...the dead of winter to gain a frame of reference for the mind-numbing cold. i guess i just had expectations: the first winter or two would be hard but it would get easier with each passing year.
reality has proven much the opposite.
i remember with clarity my thoughts after that first winter: 'that was nothing!'
my thoughts during this one?: [censored in order to salvage any small amount of respect the reader might still hold for the writer]
and yes...as missionaries, we understand: the steepness and harshness of the terrain doesn't make it any less God's path. [all my missionary peeps say 'hollaaa'!]
so why do i share all this?
because i think sometimes our perception of the battles missionaries face can be less than complete [if not slightly impersonal]. we picture them.positioned on the front lines.directly in front of hell's gates.charging the enemy in an all-out spiritual war [and truly.we are there].
but what i want others to understand is this: our lives feel a lot less like a war really...and more like a million little battles. [most of which aren't even all that 'spiritual']
battles that are taking place, not in a far off war zone, but much closer-to-home than we ever thought they would: in our hearts.minds.spirits as we face every day...as we find strength in the Caller and do our best to...survive.
and maybe, in my being [possibly a little too] transparent. the prayers sent up for us [the prayers for which we are so unspeakably grateful, on which hangs the success and renewal of 'survivor [wo]man' for another season] will broaden in their scope...to encompass the battles that make up the war.
and maybe sometimes when you pray for us...your mind's eye won't see us so much like this:
as like this:
