i failed first grade...

friday abby had her 'letter day'...she and her classmates celebrated the fact they can now read and write all their mongolian letters...

they recited poems, sang songs, and received gifts. abby was awarded the 'smart foreign student' medal. look at the picture and her lone white face will tell you the competition wasn't too stiff, but the truth is, she's amazing for all she does!

a couple weeks ago, as part of the month-long celebrations, parents were invited to take their kids' place for a day. so i confidently walked in, crammed my body into the miniature desk, and sat, knees to my chest, ready to take on first grade!

i've lived here for almost five years...i've got this...

...right?

just like abby, i took down dictations from the teacher...

unlike abby...things seemed mucky... 

what did she say?...the acoustics in this room are terrible...

and i wrote words that don't even exist in the language...which was a little embarrassing when we traded papers for 'peer grading'.

just like abby, i solved word problems...

unlike abby...i had to read them 4...5...ten times to make sure i understood what they were asking!

just like abby i spent the whole day looking at everyone around me to see what i'm supposed to be doing...

unlike abby...i haven't mastered the art of interpreting the environmental cues of a first grade classroom!

basically...

i failed first grade...

i'll add it to the ever growing list of experiences that humiliate...errr...humble me each and every day of my missionary life.

but i'll also add it to the list of reasons i am unspeakably proud of my kids...because they not only survive...but thrive in their environment every day...

abby and cj...

you rock!

blind spot...

when the children of israel began their journey into the wilderness...it took three days for the complaining to begin (exodus 15:22-24)...

three...

days...

72 hours for the experience of watching death pass by the bloodstained doors to fade...

for the towering walls of water encasing freedom's path to be forgotten...

for the difficulty of their circumstances to blur the One who dwelt with them in the cloud by day and fire by night....

reality had closed in on them...leaving their hearts with a massive blind spot...they couldn't see God all around them...they couldn't remember that He is I AM...

and what about me? if i'm honest with myself...i have to wish my awareness of Him had that kind of longevity!

because it's easy to get so consumed with the immensity of the call...that i completely forget to stand in awe of the Caller...

because in the desert i forget the tsunami-sized proportions of everything He is...

because i'm overtaken by the harshness of my reality and it's all i can see...

a massive blind-spot...my tunnel vision...occluding Him from view.

and that's when i have to step away from it all...

into His presence...

i've been given the privilege of coming here freely...boldy...by the blood of Christ.

it's here i can relinquish the burdens of the journey and be still, at peace, because of who He is and what He will accomplish.

it's here i can worship Him...and drink in His truth.

it's here i'm filled with enough get up and keep walking...

so i'm purposing to remember

the I AM behind everything i'm doing...

before He's lost in the flurry of motion....

the I AM present in everything i'm facing...

before i'm buckling under the weight of it...

and i'm journeying on...

pinswindled...

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel. ~ S. Furtick

i read this the other day...and it so poignantly (yes...i had to spell check that) communicates something that's been on my mind a lot lately...

i mean, we all know about the retouching and remaking of everything we see on every ad...everywhere...so that everything we compare ourselves to is so far from reality it's a joke...

we know it...we despise it...we live on, doing our best to remember it...

but i've become keenly aware of something lately...this new reality we live in...

where we're the ones on display...

and our lives are full of only the quirkiest, warm-fuzzy moments...wrapped up in a witty status update and tied with a bow...

and pictures are cropped and chopped and posted in filters that make eating spam look trendy...

and all the pinteresting ideas tell me i'm useless if my used cereal boxes become anything less than a new dresser for my guest room...

and then i stop and think...wait a minute...we've been pinswindled! just like all those airbrushed ads...we're so far from reality it's a joke...only...we're the ones selling each other the lies now...

and when i say we i mean...me...

because when am i ever really going to update my status to read: 'arghhh...could my kids be driving me crazier!??!!' or '*sigh*...don't really feel like being a missionary today'...

(you know...hypothetically speaking)

and why wouldn't i crop, edit and filter the mundane out of my life to make it just a little more appealing...even to myself...

is this about me declaring the evils of all things social media?

no...

it's about me reminding myself...

that just like i didn't put all the 'behind-the-scenes' out there for all the world to see...neither did anyone else...

reminding myself that we're all...unstatused...uninstagramed...unpinned broken messes of people...who need a whole lotta Jesus just to make it through most days...

and praising Him...praising Him...because there's more than enough of Him to go around...